dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
