I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
