dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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