I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
