woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
