Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
