And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
