If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
