So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
