Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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