my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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