I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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