You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
