I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
