thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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