On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
