Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
