he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize