i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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