how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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