wanna go halves on a baby?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
