for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
