if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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