I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
