Betty ford says i'm here all night
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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