Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
