Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize