I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
