Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
