how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
