he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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