I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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