If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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