Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
