So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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