No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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