i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
