Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
