One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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