Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
