my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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