haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
