I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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