I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
