i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
