Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
