you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
