Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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