you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
