You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize