Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
