Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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