I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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