GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
