she looked like the before picture.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
