when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
