Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
