that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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