ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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