went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
