The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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