I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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