I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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