Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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