I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It was confusing and full of hummus
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
