I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
